The Ritz Brothers – A Potty History
THE BROTHERS
Tallulah Ritz – Piano, Melodica, Vocals, Ukelele
Dante Ritz – Accordion, Harmonium, Vocals
Arvo Ritz – Guitar, Lead Vocal
Ezekial Ritz – Guitar, Mandolin, Vocals
Bruno Ritz – Bass, Melodica, Vocals
Calisto Ritz – Percussion, Ukelele, Guitar, Vocals
The back-story and genealogy of the enigmatic Ritz Brothers Band is shrouded in mystery, rumour and most probably, bare-arsed lies.
However, this researcher has been able to uncover some very unenlightening certainties. We know from recovered steamship passenger manifests that an unknown contortionist, juggler (and player of the ancient bowing instrument, the Ravanhattha), Count Atticus Shmitz Ritz escaping persecution in his native country of Banjostan travelled by unicycle, camel and boat to Ireland in the mid 1800s. There, he fell in love with, and married, a sean nós pole dancer from Tubbercurry by the name of Brigie ‘Gwanourdat’ Cussane (early Sean Nós pole dancing was a high-culture, celebrated ritual where local farm maidens danced silent but manic slip jigs around eligible and terrified Polish men).
Today, the mysterious Ritz Brothers seldom leave their ancestral family home at Ritz Manor except to perform very special shows.
One of Brigie’s and the Count’s daughters – born with hairy shoulders and red eye lashes – was later honoured as Baronet ‘Bency’ Cussane-Shmitz-Ritz for her prowess as an acrobat and magician. She claimed the first magic trick she ever witnessed was when her father disappeared. Bency in turn married a Jewish Klesmer composer and musician whose birthname was Fritz Rawburger Sechs-Weiner. But Bency insisted on holding on to her maiden name of Ritz. Although Bency and Fritz were giddish on the Yiddish mattress, they only had one child – one Tabetha Scarlett Tsilia-Ritz who played the Contrabass Balalaika on a trapeze while touring with the Mortini Brothers Circus and Travelling Hospice.
In 1919, a possible distant cousin and suitor of the same surname, Rhaps O’Dea Vázquez Ritz, a puppet-maker, ferret trainer and musician who played the ‘bicycle frame nose flute’ won Tabetha’s heart at the Ploughing Championships and they immediately married, set up house and plied their trade as mentalists, illusionists and part-time rural road pot hole fillers. Their eldest son Fritz Ritz joined Shackleton on his expedition to Antartica as an entertainer and medical expert. This fact, astonishingly, is completely undocumented in historical accounts (it’s just not true and the dates would be decades out of sync).
Journals of the time record Fritz as an accomplished but completely unqualified sea life orthodontist. While he had only two fingers on one hand and no hand on the other (a freak accident in freezing Antartic weather while doing crowns for a shark with a severe overbite), he was still according to contemporary accounts, a virtuoso accordion player. Fritz also had many affairs but always with the same woman, Philomena Begley. Philomena was the secret twin of the revered Country and Western star, of the same name – also Philomena Begley. Phil and Fritz having won the Banjostan Euro millions lottery on a trip to explore their family genealogy, bought the historic Ritz Manor in the early 1980s which was at the time, like them, in ruins.
With money borrowed from Mattress Mick, they renovated the entire estate adding a tasteful outdoor chocolate fountain…
With money borrowed from Mattress Mick, they renovated the entire estate adding a tasteful outdoor chocolate fountain, a no-escape room, a Hippopotamus enclosure, a cheese-rolling hill, a death metal boudoir, a survival shelter, a bog snorkling moat, a giant pumpkin kayaking lake, a 3-seater concert hall and a music recording studio which rumour has it was used by celebrated acts like Let’s Eat Auntie Gerti, Take Twat and an Orange Order country tribute band called Johnny Sash. Philomena Begley-Ritz had six children by eight different biological fathers who are the current band members of the Ritz Brothers – Tallulah, Dante, Arvo, Ezekial, Bruno and Calisto Ritz.
Today, the mysterious Ritz Brothers seldom leave their ancestral family home at Ritz Manor except to perform special gigs. The location of Ritz Manor has, for security reasons, been kept secret from obsessive fans, paparazzi, Beyonce, and anyone from Tipperary. However, post-gig landings of the flamboyant Ritz Whirlybird Helicopter have been reported in remote parts of Wicklow, West Clare and the Skelligs. In fact, it’s rumoured that The Ritz Brothers have been commissioned to write and perform the soundtrack for the upcoming Star Wars feature film concerning an interstellar army of ballad-singing elite forces. The film is called ‘Return of the Wolf Clones’.